10 Things You Should Never Say to a Redhead

 Feb 16th 2010 By Rose Martelli

No, us redheads are not universally feisty and fiery; we're just pissed off from a lifetime of cheap, stereotype-laden come-ons that our brunette-tressed brethren never have to bother hearing.

(Yes, blonds have their unfair share of dumbbell jokes and pick-up lines to contend with as well, but everybody knows that everything they say about blonds is true.)

Do yourself a favor and ix-nay the following from your redhead repertoire:

10. "Do your drapes match the carpet?" Thank you for annihilating any naughty thoughts I may have had about showing you my interior decorating.

9. "Carrot-top." If you are the first, second or third adult ever to say this to a 6-year-old redhead, congratulations -- a first-grader finds you clever! Otherwise, you just appear to possess all the mental maturity of a first-grader, and I expect you'll shortly be peeing your pants in public.

8. "You know what they say about redheads ..." No, what do they say? No, really, what? You're not going to tell me? I really wanna know, what do they say, tell me what they say about redheads ... Ohhhh, is this one of those reverse-psychology things where I'm supposed to giggle aloud about what a bad girl I am? You wanna know what else is reverse psychology? Your thinking this is gonna work.

7. "Are you a natural redhead?" Yes, are you a natural retard?

6. "Fire-crotch." This is actually more offensive for its Lindsay Lohan connotation than for anything doing with my flammable lady parts.

5. "Titian." This is an antiquated synonym for red (specifically, a brownish-orange hue) that, first of all, is correctly pronounced tee-shin. Use it and I'll think you aren't just trying (poorly) to hit on me, but that you harbor a deep-seated, darkroom fetish for redheads that will ultimately render me a skin suit in your closet of depravity. Buh-bye.

4. "Don't you ever wish you were a blond?" I know you wish I were.

3. "Can I buy you a red-headed slut?" Save it for the type of girl who'd not only take you up on it, but actually think you quite the catch for offering: a slut.

2. "I bet you feel pain more strongly than most people." Yeah, yeah, I read about that study -- it's because we redheads have a mutated gene that produces an excess of something-something hormone that also signals a whatever-whatever sensitivity receptor. The point is, that is a creepy sentence to say. To anybody.

1. "If there's fire in the sky, does that mean there's fire in the hole?" As much a mood-ruiner as #10, with the added benefit of my now wondering if you've got gonorrhea.

Rose Martelli is a writer who has contributed to Men's Health, Glamour and Cosmopolitan, among other love-and-lust-centric publications.